Tuesday, March 31, 2009

This too shall pass, but this morning is fired.

I'm feeling really strained and overextended today. A lot of this was because practice was really draining for me yesterday, but the mountain of housekeeping-type-crap I had to do this morning contributed.

Reasons why I'm feeling low today:

1. Last night at practice I had some kind of asthma-like event. I've never had asthma, so I'm not sure if I've just developed it or if there's another name for non-sufferers who suddenly can't breathe at all. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for almost a month, so perhaps it's an allergy thing... either way it was really frightening and I'm scared about it happening again.

All I know is that I was having a tough time keeping up because I couldn't get enough air, and then suddenly I REALLY couldn't get enough air, and then I felt like I was getting absolutely no air at all. The little primitive survival part of me totally freaked out and went "I'm DYING!!!! OMGOMGOMG" and I had a panic attack. I spent a good chunk of the next fifteen minutes crying like a baby on Holly Nass's shoulder, and alternated skating laps alone and participating in the slower drills because I kept having wheezing fits all night.

Oh, and when I totally lost my shit I also blabbed about every insecurity I have about my skating (mostly into Nass's armpit) so I'm still feeling embarrassed and childish and whiny. I'm trying to actively focus on all the nice things she said, and all the "this isn't your fault - your body needed air" comments she made, because she's totally right. I think I'll internalize that more with time, but that's definitely an uphill battle for me.

2. (largely resolved) I couldn't get a doctor's appointment to see what the hell happened to my body last night. The lady on the phone didn't quite seem to understand the urgency of "OMG I couldn't breathe WTF?" and was suggesting appointments for, say, NEXT MONTH. I was so pissed and tired and grouchy that I totally cried after the phone call. However, the Nurse Practitioner in the office called back and offered to double-book me for the first appointment tomorrow so I could squeeze in early. I don't even have to miss any of my classes because it's during my prep. This has taken some of the load off, and I'm grateful. Thank goodness for people overhearing phone calls in crowded offices.

3. I tried to see what the procedure was for paying my current outstanding bill for grad school with the voucher from my student teacher. This involves getting three different offices to agree upon the same issue, and I'm unable to reach the right people in any of the three offices. In my fantasy world, I go to class on Thursday, hand in the voucher, they say "KTHXBYE" and I've paid for the class. Apparently this is only possible in a land where leprechauns ride unicorns who vomit sunshine and piss wishes.

So yeah, being emotionally vulnerable followed by stupid bureaucracy crap is a recipe for frustration, grumpiness, and a lousy morning. I want to eat cake and hug my dog while Steve makes me laugh and the cat meows insistently for more food.

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