Doot doot doot

Getting teamed tonight. Doot doot doot.



My guess is that I'll either be a Wicked Pissah (in red) or a Nutcracker (in pink), judging by the fact that one of the other team-able skaters is a longtime Cosmonaughtie (who was out for over a year with a torn ALC and returned unteamed). I suspect that they'll either team one of each of the three team-able skaters on each team, or the Pissahs will get two and the Cosmos one because the Nuts have the largest team right now. Then again who knows? The Pissahs might get the above-mentioned former Cosmo because she's an excellent Jammer and they need jammers like whoa.

No matter what, though, it'll work out, because each team has its own strengths and weaknesses. With the league restructuring, it's almost a matter of which uniform I like the best. ;)

Man! I have no idea how this will go! GOD I can't wait until tonight. I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait. Tomorrow I will buy socks in the appropriate colors and get to work on making either a tutu, a red pleated skirt, or something with a rocket on it if my logic is insanely off.

Elbow?

Last night I landed really hard on my right elbow. Don't worry, it's nothing permanently damaging or life-threatening. However, I have my first crazy elbow bruise. It's kind of neat having a bruise people can actually see. So far all of my really good ones have been too close to my swimsuit area to be very show-offable. I wonder if my whole elbow will go purple, or if it will just stay this lovely reddish-brown.

Oh yeah, I'm totally being teamed tomorrow. Just a reminder. :D

More happy news:

My first bout will be next spring (you know, because I'm being TEAMED), but I'm skating in New Hampshire Roller Derby's first ever public scrimmage this Saturday, and it would mean the world to me to see you there holding sparkly signs telling the world how much I rule. I'm one of the "Dastardly Dragons" so wear green and black and wear any dragon-related renaissance-faire crap you own. Here is the official info from the NHRD site:

Come and check out NHRD's Double Header! New Hampshire, Boston, Providence, Pioneer Valley, and Albany are coming together for one hell of a showdown!

NHRD presents...A Double Dose of Derby
Saturday, August 2
JFK Coliseum, Manchester, NH
doors at 4, first scrimmage at 5

Tickets: $5 in advance, $7 at the door. Get 'em now at www. nhrollerderby. com.

So happy. You have no idea.

I'd just like to mention once again that I'm going to be teamed. TEAMED!!! Oh my god.

AAAAAHAHHAHHAAAAAA!!!!!!! I AM TEH AWESOME@!!!!

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to be teamed! I find out on Thursday which one. Oh my god oh my GOD OH MY GOD I DID IT!!!!!!!

So close and yet so far. Wish me luck.

Tonight is the third-to-last team draft before the unteamed skaters "end skater training". Tonight I'm either going to be teamed (if I'm deemed "bout eligible") or "affiliated"* (if my skating doesn't make the grade, but my attendance, effort, and attitude/coachability are up to par). So on the one hand, it's kind of a win/win, as I'll know which team I'll be on either way (because it's been implied** that I'm ok to be affiliated.) On the other, it's very nerve-wracking because if I don't make the grade this time, I only have two more chances before I'm asked politely to "find another role to play in BDD besides skating". :/ Granted, I can't imagine I'll have a problem being "bout eligible" by December, but still... seeing the ground rushing up is scary, even when you have a few more handholds to grab on your way down...

Being unteamed for a full year has absolutely sucked. The impact it's had on me has been profound in ways that no one could hope to understand without being in my shoes. My perception of myself has been so tied in with being an unteamed skater that I don't know how else to see myself, and part of me is just assuming that this will go on forever. If I can skate well enough tonight to be teamed I'll completely lose my shit, because I genuinely have no clue at all how much of this "not quite good enough"-ness is simply in my head. I have absolutely no idea how far from being teamed I really am. For all I know, I could be on the same level as skaters who I'm simply assuming will be teamed, but then again I could be among the skaters who everyone knows won't make it this time around. I don't know at all and no one can tell me.

The not knowing is killing me, and that's why I'm pants-shittingly nervous right now. Seriously, I can't eat.*** It's that bad. It's not like me to be this much of a wreck, but I am. It's not because I'm worried about having a spotlight trained on me - I can handle that. It's that right now is my first chance to finally get out of this dark, miserable hole I've been in all year, where I've felt like the worst skater, someone who didn't matter, someone who would never be good enough, and someone who didn't fit in at all. I've been so hung up on being an unteamed skater, and I want to be teamed so badly I can't stand it. I just haven't really let myself think about that because being teamed was always so absurdly far away that it was just too painful to think about. Now that it's so close it's really hitting me how awful this has all been. I'm finally admitting to myself that I want to be teamed instead of repeating "it's no big deal, I can wait" over and over like lines from a play. 

If I don't make it I'll go back to playing my part, but man, it would be such a relief if I could stop the act. Convincing myself that it doesn't matter takes so much effort. I don't know how much more of it I can take. 

I'm just so goddamned tired.

* Meaning that I'll essentially be a benched skater for a specific team who becomes a full, skating member before the next season starts, assuming I can be deemed "bout eligible" before the last-chance-final-cut-thing on December 14th.
** I think it's been directly stated that I'm at least going to be affiliated, but I hate hate HATE counting my chickens before they're hatched, and I have such a "trust no one" policy programmed into me from working at CRLS for so many years....
*** However, I'm forcing things like V8 juice and granola bars down so I don't pass out during the scrimmage, so don't worry.

I lived for this show when I as in elementary school.

If only someone could have told me then that I'd be playing roller derby now. Sure, I'm grateful that the action is real now and that there are no tie-breaking alligators, but I do miss the wall of death.

Either way I'm glad we wear helmets, though. That was just nuts.

ETA: Oh my god. I must have blocked this out. Could I be hallucinating this CA-RAZY semi-nude man dancing around with the fricking ALLIGATOR?!?!?!?!?



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