Thursday, June 10, 2010

No zombies so far.

After over a week in the new place, I've noticed the absence of something fairly major: imaginary zombies.

I wake up in the middle of the night at least once or twice every night, usually to use the facilities, or because some weird noise makes me think the world is ending. During the daytime the idea of Dawn of the Dead (the remake) zombies coming to get me when I get up to pee is totally laughable. Zombies? Those aren't real! However, at 3AM, those zombies are definitely real, and they're the fast zombies, and they'll totally outrun me as I thud my way across the apartment trying like hell not to scream for my mommy.

Our old apartment was filled with these imaginary zombies. During the daytime, they took the form of:

• Scarves, hats, and bags hung on coat racks on the back of the bedroom doors.

• The oscillating tower fan with the green lights that TOTALLY look like monster eyes.

• The closet with the floor-to-ceiling mirrors that reflected the traffic lights on the busy street nearby.

• Countless objects that become utterly terrifying in the darkness, as illustrated on the right. Why do I buy this stuff?

Also, the bathroom was clean across the apartment from where we slept. For years, I ran to and from the bathroom in the wee hours because I was convinced that zombies would get me. Logic, common sense, reason, and street smarts couldn't save me. At night, the imaginary zombies had free reign.

Our new place, however, seems to have been treated with imaginary-zombie-begone. We have ample storage, allowing us to leave our scarves in closets and other scarf-appropriate locations. The tower fan stands out against the light walls enough that I can tell it's a fan and not a monster who is trying to decide which end of me to eat first. There are no huge mirrors, and we don't face the street. Lastly, the bathroom is three carpeted steps away from the bed. Suck it, zombies.

So far I feel safe in this new place, and I've slept better because of it. So has my husband, because he doesn't wake up to OMG ZOMBIES [thud thud thud SMASH thud thud thud] as I run to and from the bed, crashing into the coffee table as I go.

Plus, if I do in fact have to deal with zombies, this place is far more defensible. Just knock out the stairs on both sides and fill up the tub with drinking water and we're golden until we run out of food.

1 comment:

KeezingPenguin said...

I understand. Everything looks creepy in my house. Especially when the raccoons bang around on the pipes under the house. I bout lose my shit every time I hear them. But since my boyfriend vanquished one, they've stayed away some.